Relationship - Blaming Others

How do you react when things go wrong? Do you feel a sense of shock, a sense of 'how can this happen to me?' Do you find yourself getting angry and worked up? Do you immediately start casting about in your mind to identify someone to blame for the problem? And working out a string of epithets to fling at them before you've even clearly established what exactly has happened?

If this describes your typical response to difficulties that you encounter, you are not alone.

Cause and effect - somebody must be to blame!

Human beings have understood that there is no effect without a cause, and we are always looking for the 'cause' behind the phenomena that we experience. Our search isn't always rational, however. When things happen that we don't like, we become emotionally involved. This isn't surprising, but it can mislead us.

Emotional arousal and the blame game

When we are emotionally aroused, it's hard for us to think clearly. Our 'fight or flight' responses are activated (whether we like it or not). We see things in an all-or-nothing, black-and-white way, with no room for shades of gray. This makes us feel very certain of our own view of things, and unable to admit alternative explanations. We feel 'under attack' and so are on the look out for an 'enemy'. Who has done this to me?

Satisfaction and revenge - the goal of blaming others

If we do find someone on whom we can pin the blame for a problem we are facing, it's very tempting to go right ahead and lambaste them without looking into the matter any further. This is because, when we have been thwarted, we are left with an 'incomplete pattern' in our life, and this is something we humans absolutely hate. We like to have things 'sewn up'. Blaming someone (and giving them a jolly good kicking) can feel immensely satisfying.

Why blaming other people can land you in difficulty

In your calmer moments, you can probably easily see why the blame game is a fool's game. The hunt for scapegoats can distract you from the real issue - which is finding the real root of a problem or difficulty so that you can address it properly. You may find your scapegoat, and totally miss the root cause. Which means your unresolved problem is likely to return to haunt you.

Furthermore, in your calmer moments you can conceive of unforced errors and haphazard events. Things can go wrong without human intervention, and will do so from time to time, no matter how careful you (and everybody around you) are. In such cases, looking for someone to blame is completely inappropriate. Repeated instances of blaming can seriously corrode your relationships with colleagues, friends, and family.

How to stop blaming other people and adopt a new approach to problems

You will have understood from the above that the essential ingredient in adopting a new way to handle difficulty and disappointment is emotional control. To avoid blame seeking, you need a calm and dispassionate mind. If your emotions become aroused, you need to be able to calm down again and see the bigger picture.

Stop blaming others will help you begin to make this change by calling on your inner resources for creative adaptation. You have probably already discovered that telling yourself to 'calm down' when you are worked up has little effect. This is because emotional arousal is an unconscious process, and the best way to adapt unconscious processes is through the unconscious.

Stop blaming others will teach you how to use hypnotic techniques that allow you to relax at a really deep level. It will give you the flexibility to be able to see situations in several different ways very easily, and to assume full control of your responses. You will learn how to drop blaming behavior and replace it with a flexible attitude to life's challenges that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.